Where I'm from, shops actually board up their windows against the violence of this day

Pancake day looms, folks. Some say it came about during the run-up to the fasting of Lent, when somebody invented a flat cake in a pan to use up all the delicacies like eggs and flour and sugar. Then they gorged themselves like a fat bastard until their pancreas started to hurt from all the insulin it had to produce, and afterwards they said ''this shall be known as panc-ache day. Also I now have type II diabetes.'' The Lent tradition of spending time actually being disciplined and sensible about what you eat has long since faded into memory, of course, but Pancake day remains as a fun afternoon for the whole family, where parents can amaze their children with dexterous displays of pancake flipping, and children can gaze in wonder as sheets of sizzling hot batter spin through the air onto their upturned awestruck faces.

Anyway, in celebration of this day I'm here to share with you my favourite recipe for pancakes. But it wouldn't be worth sharing if it was just some ordinary run-of-the-mill method of pancake-making, of course. So: are you the sort of person not merely satisfied with the banal humdrum of the mere ordinary pancake? Are you willing to buy fresh, expensive ingredients and use only the highest-grade cookery equipment? Will you watch your pan like a hawk for that perfect temperature and timing? Are you, in short, the kind of person willing to pour as much love into your cooking as you would into raising your own children?

Yes?

Then fuck off. This recipe's for lazy cunts. HAHA WHAT AN UNPREDICTABLE JOKE

You will need:

Egg powder

Milk powder

Flour

A two-pint bottle of milk

1) Open the bottle of milk.

2) Use it all up in some way. I dunno, lots of tea, or something. We only actually need the bottle. Or any kind of large container like that would do, really - lemonade bottle, urinal bottle, anything. Go crazy. Invent. Live your life.

3) Put flour in the bottle.

4) Put egg powder in the bottle.

5) Put milk powder in the bottle.

6) Put water in the bottle.

7) What, you want measurements? Put enough of the stuff in to make pancakes. Jesus.

8) Screw the lid on tight and shake the bottle up and down vigorously for around sixty seconds - the same general motion as if you're watching porn, but for six times longer.

9) Pour the resulting batter into the pan and fry to perfection.

10) Plate up the fruits of your labour and realize that being able to follow this recipe means you have no friends, family or significant other to shame with your appallingly low standards. Garnish with the bitter tears you weep at your lonely, lonely life.

Interesting fact: I DO pour as much love into my cooking as I would into raising my own children.