Saturday, 11 February 2012

Fucked if I know. Any suggestions?

You know that phrase, "Lefty Loosey Righty Tighty"? If you don't, there's this phrase, right, and it goes "Lefty Loosey Righty Tighty", and it's supposed to help you remember how to deal with things like screws and bottle tops if you haven't got what is technically known as a memory. Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was how that phrase really pisses me off.

Now you might expect my beef to be with the phrase's inherent smug tweeness, but I'm not actually here to complain about that. Although admittedly, that's mostly because the phrase's inherent smug tweeness really speaks for itself. It's one of those things that tossers say when they want to look clever. You know, you'll be there trying to open a bottle, and maybe the top's been screwed shut too tight or maybe you just strained your hand last night with all that porn, and for whatever reason you can't open it. And then some tosser walks into the room and sees you struggling, and even though they could easily just look to see which way you're trying to turn it, they'll go "Oh, are you turning it the right way?" as if the only explanation for your difficulties is that you're just too thick to know how to undo a bottle. And then they'll pause for a moment, and then they put a smug little chirp in their voice and go "Remember, it's 'Lefty Loosey Righty Tighty!'" and then smile and turn away and pretend to do something else while they congratulate themselves on how they just looked clever. No, you looked like a tosser, you tosser.

Anyway, no, what pisses me off about that phrase isn't the wording, it's the fact that I understand what it means. And so do you, don't you. You don't even need me to explain it means that when you want to loosen something like a screw or a bottle top, you rotate it like this:

Pictures of bottle tops are dull, so I will illustrate with tits.

And when you want to tighten something like a screw or a bottle top, you turn it like this:

Damn you, Google Image.

As soon as I heard that phrase, I knew that that's what it meant. As soon as you heard that phrase, you knew what it meant too. Everyone who hears this phrase knows what it means.

Now: why the hell do we know what it means? Because the screw isn't going 'left' or going 'right', is it? It's turning. So every part of it is going in a different direction - if you turn it to the right, then the bottom part is going to the left, the left part is going up and the right part is going down.

No, Google, still not doing it right.

So why do we arbitrarily just know that that phrase refers to only the top?

It's really annoying.

Well that was a shit ending, so here's a stupid video to make up for it.

It's because we turn it how we imagine turning ourselves. Jeez.

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