Wednesday, 28 December 2011

No, I'm not 'Goal-Oriented'. Thanks for asking.

Oh, fuck it. The updates I've been pecking away at for the last nine months obviously aren't going to materialize any time soon, so here's a random rant I threw up last month at

What's with this sudden obsession job adverts have with "enthusiastic, extroverted goal-oriented team-players with a true zest for life and a real motivation to start a career in (x)"? I mean, it's bad enough that we're in a recession and there's fuck-all jobs for anyone, but now you can't even score an interview unless the prospect of being a part-time data-entry clerk leaves jizz stains across your CV.

I don't just mean being happy to have a job. I'm chuffed with anything that lets me earn money, but that's just the problem. They don't want you to do a job to earn money. They want you to do a job because it's your 'career goal'. Because it's what you've 'always wanted to do'. As if everyone ought to dream of one day selling sofas or dealing with tax receipts.

What I want to know is where this sudden requirement for enthusiasm came from. When, in all the time society spent trying to mould you into a good little human being, has enthusiasm for what you do EVER been important? Did you go to school because you liked it? Made sure to finish your homework for the sheer orgasmic thrill of doing algebra? Did you take a part-time job because packing the shopping of some half-dead old biddy who stinks of cat piss and keeps talking about her latest bowel movement is something you dreamed of since you were three years old, or was it to get some money and make your parents shut up?

At no point does 'wanting' to do something ever enter into anything. In fact, how often do you attempt to do something you WANT to do and get slapped down because apparently it's wrong? All they drill into you that hard work is usually, you know, hard, and quite often in life you have to do unpleasant things if you want to succeed, and that everyone has to do unpleasant things, and basically it doesn't matter what your feelings are as long as you get it done. And you get to the job market and people tell you that most people hate their jobs and hating the job doesn't matter, and they tell you 'Oh, you can't just wait for your DREAM JOB to turn up, you have to go out and do ANYTHING, even if you HATE IT,' and so you apply for a bunch of stuff you hate, and then bam! You come to the interview and suddenly unless you can prove that you 'like' the job, that it's your 'dream career', you can't get shit. The interviewer just goes 'Sorry, you seem like you wouldn't like this and I'm not going to hire someone who'd hate working here.' And then everyone else - the SAME FUCKING FUCKERS who told you to go apply for things you don't like - hear that you failed and go WHY ARE YOU APPLYING FOR THINGS THAT YOU HATE THAT'S DUMB YOU'RE DUMB YOU DUMBASS.

And as long as we're on the subject, how is half the shit they ask for in job adverts even quantifiable? It's like every single advert has a list of 'essential skills' and it's never stuff like "knows how to actually use a computer / wire plugs / install plumbing", is it? It's always "must be a Team Player, must be able to Solve Problems." Who doesn't have these skills? Oh, you want me to prove I'm a team player? Okay, once upon a time I was in a team and the team leader asked me to do something, and I responded by doing it instead of stabbing him in the face. As for problem solving, well! This one time, I realised I was hungry, so I got myself something to eat. So, when can I start?

None of this stuff was ever mentioned beforehand. If it's all really so important then there ought to have been some manner of class for it: they force you to learn the scribblings of some twat playwright who's been dead 400 years, surely they could devote a class or two on how to answer retarded questions. Oh wait, that IS what school does, isn't it. Never mind then.

So anyway, fuck it. I'm just going to play videogames and get fat until I see "Help Wanted: Must be a miserable cunt."

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