Sunday, 13 March 2011

London was over a fortnight ago, let it drop already

So during my London stint I stayed in an awesome B&B with a huge comfortable bed, as much tea and coffee as my stomach could stomach and an en-suite sink just the right height for peeing in if one were so inclined. That's top-class luxury right there. But then I tried to go web surfing, and what do I find but no internet. Nary the whiff of wireless.

How do you have no internet these days? It's like having no air. You just can't help but have it. You'd think they'd at least try to steal the neighbour's connection for the sake of the guests. So for two weeks I had no access to the vast repository of knowledge that is the World Wide Web. And by knowledge I mean porn, of course.

I'd like you to take a moment to think about just how convenient the internet makes your perversities - how easy it is just to type something like '' into your browser and bam: the next two minutes of your evening sorted. You don't know how good you've got it until one day it's not there, then suddenly you find yourself having to go out to some seedy corner shop owned by a suspicious Russian guy with a wool cap and a beard you could hide children in, and he's watching you as you take a DVD down from the highest shelf - and they're always on the highest shelves, aren't they, so when you pick it up you're basically holding your purchase as high in the air as possible and going "Hey everyone! Look! Look at what I'm buying! Avert your eyes! Clutch your children! For I am buying PORNOGRAPHY!" - and then you've got to take it to the counter and there's a bunch of old ladies behind you and you know that they're just tut-tutting under their breath and Russian guy is staring at you grinning as you try to put it down somewhere on the counter where no-one else will see it. Actually, wait, no he's not, to him you're just another customer buying another product and he doesn't care in the slightest. But he smells funny so I'm going to call him a cunt anyway. What a cunt.

Right I'm off to bed.

(RandomTwat is brought to you by WhyCanYouNotKeepAFuckingSchedule Industries, in association with MakingJokesAboutItDoesntMakeItBetter & Co)

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